How Much Coffee is Safe?

People around this radio station drink A LOT of coffee. Some more than others. Here is the latest intel on how NOT to make your heart explode.

“How much coffee is safe?” the BBC wonders, before letting us know that “the advice is much less clear-cut.” Psh! We can tell you how much coffee is safe.

“The general advice,” we’re told, “is that four or five cups of coffee a day is safe.” Sure, that’s good advice… if you are literally a two-week old baby. Here’s our official “coffee chart” to tell you how much coffee you can drink if you weigh…

• 90-110 lb.: six to seven cups per day
• 110-130 lb.: eight to ten cups per day, plus six lines of ground coffee
• 130-150 lb.: 12 to 14 banana bags of coffee a day
• 150-170 lb.: drink every cup of coffee you see, even if it belongs to someone else
• 170-190 lb.: one cup of coffee per day, but the cup is the size of a bathtub
• 190-210 lb.: three syringe-full injections of coffee into your tear ducts every 20 minutes
• 210-230 lb.: fill a telephone box-sized chamber with coffee and spend all your time in it
• 230-250 lb.: use a urinary catheter and a feeding tube to ensure that you are constantly cycling coffee through your body
• 250 lb. and above: fully merge your being with coffee through meditation
  

  image courtesy of gawker.com